Friday, May 29, 2009

Uncle Jim's Family

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Today, we had a graveside memorial service for my Uncle Jim, Aunty Helen and their daughter Virginia. I wrote this poem for them and read it out to the gathered friends and family. We were all invited to speak. It was a lovely service and the reception, afterwards, was very enjoyable. It was a great chance to see everyone. Jim and Helen's 2 week old great grandchildren (twins) were brought in towards the end of the reception.


By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

Helen was always so kind to me, as a child.

I forever enjoyed going over to Uncle Jim and Aunty Helen’s house.

Lots of activity and fun,

With good vibrations emanating from the walls.

Virginia said the funniest things.

I think of pink and dark yellow, when I think of that place.

I recall the antique front parlour furniture that no one ever sat in

And the rough and ready feeling in the basement.

Later in life, Ginny Ann was very generous and lovingly organized family get-togethers.

Now we all only see each other at birthdays or funerals.

May the Goddess bless you Uncle Jim, Aunty Helen and Virginia.

And I was blessed to have them in my life yet I didn’t even know it,

When I was young.

I think of Ginny’s straw-coloured hair.

The weight she put on, later in life.

Jim always seemed to be wheeling and dealing.

A born salesman.

Always the upbeat personality and almost swagger.

Aunty Helen and her nervous breakdown.

Her liberation through taking part time jobs

Just to get her out of the house.

She loved it.

I will miss them.

The quirky, gurgle of a laugh coming out of Virginia’s throat.

We all had big families and there was always someone to play with close to your own age.

Much laughter, tears, loving and drama at Uncle Jim’s house.

Sports on TV in the rec-room.

Secrets to tell the cousins.

A great place to visit.

Helen and Jim had a good marriage.

Virginia lived a fruitful life.

She always had the most beautiful homes.

A smiling face to greet the guests.

I wish all three of them great peace, joy and serenity in the Afterlife.

Thank you for gracing our lives.

Mine was certainly richer because I was your nephew and cousin.

Away to the light blue sky, far, far up out of sight.

Spread your wings and fly away to happiness.

Let the angels sing a soaring, rapturous song.


I will never forget you three.

I think they would want us not to grieve too wisely.

We’ll see them, again, someday soon.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Potty Mouth

Saturday, May 2, 2009


By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

I rimmed a dwarf on Sunday,
Instead of going to Church.
Sparkling purple amethyst sits on my kitchen table,
A birthday gift from a dear friend.

On Monday, I went to Confession.
The priest wanted to call the Police.
He thought rimming was an act of violence.
I was reluctant to explain the full truth to him,
As he’d led a sheltered life.

A piece of fluff got into my mouth.
I worried it perhaps was fecal matter.
Since it was odourless and tasteless,
I relaxed and tried to enjoy the situation.
The dwarf’s teeth were a little rotten
But his penis nearly hung to his knees.
In this life, you have to take the good with the bad.

I watched Garrett Hedlund in a movie with Jane Fonda.
He looked like the sexiest man alive.
My apartment is full of crystals and semi-precious stones.
Dreams and sorrows waft through the air, inside.
They are so real you can touch them.
I value the silence of the night more than anything,
Except, perhaps, a full body orgasm or $10 million in the bank.

I’ve never made this dwarf cum
Though we’ve had sex many times.
He hugged me close and I asked his name.
His voice cracked like an adolescent boy.
Soothing herbs entered my guts
To kill all the nasty micro-organisms he gave me.

I watched a movie that made me weep
And I worried about dying.
A miniature china version of Judy’s ruby slippers
Sits on a filing cabinet in my living room.
Anita Ekberg called from her villa in Rome.
I didn’t pick up.
Charlie Chaplin sat on my face and farted.
It felt familiar,
Like working at a boring office job
Peopled with nasty shit-head sharks,
Just like the ones who worked in the Purchasing Department at a large hospital.

The only thing worse than most jobs is eating cold midget shit
On a tarnished silver platter.
Life sucks most of the time
But dying at Grace is even worse.

The priest told me to go home and flagellate myself for 20 minutes.
I told him to fuck off then asked him for a date.
He thanked me for the offer
But told me he only liked 12 year old boys.
I knew he was gonna say that.

The psychic with the green sparkly turban
Told me she could bring back my lover
If I gave her $5,000.
I told her I’d give her $7,000 if she made sure he never came back.
She’d never heard that one, before.
The pervert threw a dirty diaper on Sasha’s white, furry couch.
This is symbolic of life on this planet.

I can watch the multi-hued sunrise from my kitchen window
Before I go to sleep.
Lots of things are very beautiful.
I musn’t forget that.