Bedbugs Are Gods

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

BEDBUGS ARE GODS

By Philip Cairns

Copyright 2009 by Philip Cairns

These celebrities think they’re so grand.

Little do they know,

But there are celebrity-stalker bedbugs on the red carpet.

They jump off the clothes of the cheering, dirty, poor people in the stands.

They crawl across crimson wool and jump on Kate Winslet’s leg.

They crawl up, tenaciously, and cling to her silk underwear.

As she is telling “Entertainment Tonight” about her love life,

They start munching on her inner thighs.

That’s why the stars always appear fidgety when they’re being interviewed.

Movie stars are caviar to a hungry bedbug

And they don’t even know it.

When Halle Berry became the first black woman to win the Best Actress Oscar,

She had a bedbug chewing on her armpit at the podium.

If you watch the clip on YouTube,

You’ll see her hand move close to her underarm.

Halle is trying to resist the urge to scratch her pits

In front of one billion people.

Bedbugs are everywhere.

A famous Canadian actress had bedbugs

In her mansion condo in Toronto’s Yorkville district.

She had to fly home from her movie shoot to arrange to have them murdered.

My bedbugs are my only real friends.

They keep me company at night.

They fulfill my exhibitionistic tendencies

When I bring home my beautiful buff lovers.

The creep-crawlies applaud our acrobatic lovemaking

And whisper encouragement in my tasty ears.

A cheeky man with a foul-smelling sprayer

Came and killed all my bedbug friends.

I’m still reeling from the pain.

I pay a high-priced escort to beat this guilt out of my system.

Bedbugs take a long time to die.

They wail like a martyred saint and swear like Vietnam vets.

I mourn the death of my bedbug lover.

He used to hop on board and accompany me to dance clubs,

Riding on my shoulder as I hopped around the dance floor.

My bedbugs serve as an alarm clock to save on my electric bill.

They love to feast at dawn, I’m told.

Every morning, they bite my sweet butt at 7 a.m.

So that I never oversleep for work.

Bedbugs are such loves.

They nibble on my earlobes and kiss my rosy cheeks.

They boost my confidence when I’m alone.

Let’s face it.

You’re never lonely when you have bedbugs.

They always come out at night to feast and greet me.

I don’t have to feed them, either,

Or change their litter box

Or walk them three times a day.

Bedbugs are the best thing that ever happened to me.

They changed my life.

I’m sorry,

But I’m getting all choked up

So I can’t continue this discussion.